Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
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After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.