“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
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Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Love this guy
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE