The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
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I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.