Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
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Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this