My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that