If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
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My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
TEETH IS INNOCENT