If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
hmmm
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.