If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.