My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?