@LuvPug

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

@LuvPug

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

@LuvPug

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

@LuvPug

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

@LuvPug

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

@LuvPug

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

@LuvPug

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

@LuvPug

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

@LuvPug

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

@LuvPug

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.