My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.