@LuvPug

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

@LuvPug

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

@LuvPug

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

@LuvPug

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

@LuvPug

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

@LuvPug

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

@LuvPug

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

@LuvPug

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

@LuvPug

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

@LuvPug

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.