“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.