giddy up Office Depot
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Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.