Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
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THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
The game has officially changed 😎
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus