I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
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ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
He wanted to make sure😂
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.