when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
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Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?