[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
when you are just born a rebel
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.