If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
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Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
When customers come in 6 hours before closing