me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
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I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for