A dating app for angry people- Grumble
You Might Also Like
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
WHY?!
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.