Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
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When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car