*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
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My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive