Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
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[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
#titanic
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.