@MNateShyamalan

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

@MNateShyamalan

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

@MNateShyamalan

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: WE DEMAND SOUP

@MNateShyamalan

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

@MNateShyamalan

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

@MNateShyamalan

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

@MNateShyamalan

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

@MNateShyamalan

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea