it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
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“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
There are usually two types of merchants.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.