this is uni
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Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Geez man, take it easy.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Shoo shoo! 😂