*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
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Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”