Oh, so you make the bed everyday…I suppose you’re also the type of snob that folds your clothes and puts them in “drawers.”
No one cared about leaving children in cars when I was young. I lived in the back of an old Buick with a pack of wild dogs until I was 9.
I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.
It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.
I’m not saying you’re on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.
I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.
Things were different in the 80s one time I was kidnapped for a week and no one looked for me. I came home & my room was converted to a gym.
Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.
Friend: It looks like you’re packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii?
Me: No, this is just my lunch.
I would pay big bucks to Sea World to see a dolphin fly out of a water tank into the stands and start rolling around and eating people.