18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
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Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too