Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
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“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
the three branches of government
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Pigeon open mic night.