Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
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The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Remember folks 😂
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.