stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
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My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Me trying to reach for my goals
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
thank god the sign was there
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
selfie game
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.