Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
It was worth a shot 😂
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
October already? What’s next? November????
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Flock of bats
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
The struggle is real.