“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
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I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.