How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
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*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.