theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
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Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Twitter is an abusement park.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.