[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
*updates tinder bio*
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore