I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it