I just want to take you out…

With an AK-47…

& you thought on a date…hahaha.


Him- You’re a useless piece of shit..

Me- Show me a useful piece of shit.


*Leaves home for the day…

*Fears I left something behind

*Runs inside to see baby playing with my phone.

*Grabs phone & leaves.


????My lactose-free, gluten-free, wheat-free, carb-free, nut-free, fat-free milkshake, brings all the weirdos to the yard…????


What do we want?

An endless supply of milk

When do we want it?



A watch dog is like a regular dog,only it can show you the time.


New neighbours just moved in…

I baked them some goodies as a welcome & a warning to never eat at my house.


Hey mate! Your girl looks like a horse…

Are you in a stable relationship?