Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I am HOWLING at this
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me