Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
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[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?