My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
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You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup