A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
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Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends