@MakesYouGiggle

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

@MakesYouGiggle

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

@MakesYouGiggle

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

@MakesYouGiggle

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

@MakesYouGiggle

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

@MakesYouGiggle

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

@MakesYouGiggle

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

@MakesYouGiggle

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

@MakesYouGiggle

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?