If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
You Might Also Like
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
jesus christ confetti not now
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.