person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
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it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Plant care tips
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.