I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
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[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
HELP 😭
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂