When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
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I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have