Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.