Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of Manda_like_wine's best tweets

@Manda_like_wine : *falls dramatically on therapist's sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

@Manda_like_wine: For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, "what the hell are we doing?"

@Manda_like_wine: Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don't think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

@Manda_like_wine: What's the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

@Manda_like_wine: My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said "not now" so wish us luck we're officially married.

@Manda_like_wine: Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

@Manda_like_wine: Results are in: a lot of people took the "never change" yearbook inscription way too seriously.

@Manda_like_wine: Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

@Manda_like_wine: My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, "I don't want Santa to see me when I poo."

@Manda_like_wine: Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.