@Manda_like_wine

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

@Manda_like_wine

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

@Manda_like_wine

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

@Manda_like_wine

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

@Manda_like_wine

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

@Manda_like_wine

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

@Manda_like_wine

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

@Manda_like_wine

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

@Manda_like_wine

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

@Manda_like_wine

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.