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Page of Manda_like_wine's best tweets

@Manda_like_wine : *falls dramatically on therapist's sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

@Manda_like_wine: For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, "what the hell are we doing?"

@Manda_like_wine: Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don't think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

@Manda_like_wine: What's the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

@Manda_like_wine: My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said "not now" so wish us luck we're officially married.

@Manda_like_wine: Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

@Manda_like_wine: Results are in: a lot of people took the "never change" yearbook inscription way too seriously.

@Manda_like_wine: Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

@Manda_like_wine: My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, "I don't want Santa to see me when I poo."

@Manda_like_wine: Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.