My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.