Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of Manda_like_wine's best tweets

@Manda_like_wine : Always buy 'hand wash only' shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a 'hand wash only' basket for 15 years.

@Manda_like_wine: When Wall-E first came out I was like "'what a profound statement" and now, a few years older, I'm like "gimme one of those sick chairs."

@Manda_like_wine: I walked up to my 9yo and said, "How goes it?" He looks up at me and says, "God is history's greatest serial killer."

@Manda_like_wine: Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

@Manda_like_wine: In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

@Manda_like_wine: I'm only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels.

@Manda_like_wine: 1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don't judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

@Manda_like_wine: She often thinks about what life may have been outside the asylum, had the cashier refrained from putting her change on top of the receipt.