friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
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i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.