*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage