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the three branches of government
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open